Fun With Toys

Now that I get to spend a lot of time at home with Lizzy I get to use my imagination more then I use to at work. For example today Lizzy and I both picked out toys and gave them names. For fun you can try to guess which toys I named and which ones she did.


___Burt Reynolds_________________ Baby ___________________Steve


___Poindexter Merriwether III__________ Elmo ______________

After we named our toys Lizzy decided that they should go to Old Navy. She went shopping at Old Navy with Aba (Jen's Mom) and now likes to pretend that our dining room is an old Navy store. She also decided that baby was drinking a chi tea latte like mommy and Elmo had some Coffee.

I should also note that I try to use different voices for my toys so there is no confusion to who is speaking. Lizzy speaks in her own voice even if she is pretending to be a toy.

Once the scene was set our fun could begin...

Burt - "Hey guys i'm looking for a nice pull over fleece. What color should I get?"
Baby, Elmo or Lizzy - "I eat hot dogs with lunch?"
Steve - "I'm just here to shop, not to be eaten for lunch."
PMIII- "I think you should get a nice blue one Burt."
Baby, Elmo or Lizzy - "We go to zoo? Right now!!"
Matt - "lizzy do you want to go to the zoo?"
Lizzy - "Yeah"
Matt - "It's Tuesday, the Zoo isn't open on Tuesday. Are we done playing with your toys?'
Lizzy - "no"
Baby, Elmo, or Lizzy - "I'll Pay."
Burt - "for my pull over?"
Baby, Elmo, or Lizzy - "No, play with toys."
Lizzy - "Daddy, don't tease me."
Matt - "I'm not teasing you, I'm trying to play with your toys."
Burt - "can i pay with my credit card?"
Steve - "you should get an Old Navy card and save 10%."

While Burt is paying....

Steve - "I haven't seen you in awhile Poindexter, how's the family?"
Baby, Elmo, or Lizzy - "Look, Moo-moos at the beach"
PMIII - "Not bad Steve, we just got back from Florida. we were down there visiting relatives."
Steve -"bet the weather was nice"
PMIII - "nicer then here, but still humid...and lots of bugs."
Baby, Elmo, or Lizzy - "I catch bugs"
Steve - "Elmo you catch bugs?"
Lizzy - "I want gum"
Matt - "you only get gum if you use the potty"
Lizzy - "I have to poop."

ChristmasFunTime

I hope everyone had a great CHRISTMAS/HANUKKAH/KWANZAA!!!!

Yes, I just figured out that I could change the font color and size of my text.

Last year Lizzy had Chicken Pox and I couldn't be around her for a month. I spent most of December and some of January at my parents house and couldn't go to any family function with her.

In comparison this year's holiday season has been great. The best part was being able to see Jen and Lizzy during Jen's Christmas break. Some of the Highlights included:

- Lizzy sticking food up her nose - I called her pediatrician, her office was closed, she told us to take her to the emergency room to get the food removed. We spent 3 1/2 hours waiting to see the doctor. When he finally came to see her, he looked up her nose and said she must have swallowed it and discharged us. We waited another 30 minutes for our discharge papers before we could leave.

-Lizzy pooping for Santa - We took Lizzy to get her picture with Santa. She was dressed up and ready to tell him what she wanted for Christmas. At first she was a little intimidated but she slowly moved closer to the jolly fat man. When he asked what her name was Lizzy replied, "Santa, I pooped.".

-Jen's Christmas music - it starts after Thanksgiving and doesn't stop until midnight on Christmas day. This year Josh Groban was very popular. So popular that Lizzy began calling me Groban and then Josh Groban. On the hour drive home from Jen's Grandma's house she looked at me and said, "lay down Josh Groban." at least 25 times.

-The decision to put me incharge of our Christmas cards this year - I thought I did a great job until I started getting the "where is my Christmas card?" question. After all was said and done I figure I missed about a third of the friends and family that usually get our cards.

-The food - on Christmas Jen and I had family over in the morning for brunch. I cooked a couple of things that seemed to turn out okay. Later that day my mom and dad had our family over. Every year my mom prepares a bunch of food from ham and turkey to potatoes and greenbeans. Overall my favorites are her hors d'oeuvres. She makes realy good salami wraps, crab thingies, and olive balls. But, my favorites are her cocktail weanies and sausage and cheese balls. Christmas isn't Christmas until I've stuffed as many balls and weanies into my mouth as possible.

Getting to stay at home with Lizzy has been great. It's exciting to watch her learn and grow from month to month. Like most kids her age Lizzy likes to repeat things that she hears other people saying, so it's usually fairly easy to figure out where or who she picks up new phrases from.

Needless to say Jen and I were a little scared when we sat down to eat dinner with lizzy a few weeks ago and she held up her little toddler knife looked and Jen and said “I'll fight you.” Jen looked at her a little confused and then asked me if I had heard what she had said. Still holding the knife up Lizzy told Jen “I'm not afraid of you.”

It took a few days but we finally figured out that it came from Jungle Book. At the time she had just watched the movie and would ask us to read her the book every night before bed. There is a part in the story when Mowgli first meets Baloo and tells him that he's not scared. In the same part Baloo shows Mowgli how to fight like a bear.

Even though we think we know where she picked this up from, I have to admit there were a few days that I had trouble sleeping in the same house with my 2 year old daughter.

I'm currently finishing up two books. The first one is The Elegant Universe by Brian Greene. Jen and I decided that we would both buy a copy and then read it together. She thought it would be fun to learn about the ultimate theory that ties everything in the universe together and I couldn't believe that David Silver from 90210 knew so much about physics.

The book promises explain physical principals in eveyday terms, which it does. It explains that theoreticly time travel, walking through walls, and even other demensions are all possible. The problem is that the pricipals are so abstract and only work on such an extremly large or small scale that they aren't relevant to everyday life.

Every time I finished reading a section I thought who cares.

For example the author illustrates how time and space can be bent using an amusment park ride. So if I jump on the Tornado ride at the county fair and some how the carnies get the thing moving close to the speed of light and some how I don't die from the force being put on my body then my watch might be a few seconds different from some one standing in the middle of the ride? What the F, who cares.

At the other end of the spectrem the book digs into quantim mechanics and looks at the tiny pieces of energy that make up everything. These tiny pieces of energy have an infinite number of paths that they are able to take and they try all of the different paths out. So in theory if all the billion apon billion pieces of energy that make up my body chose the right path out of the infinate possibilities that they can take I could walk through a wall. So if my body lasts until the end of time and I countinuously walk into a wall until then there is a possibility I might make it through one of those times. Again, who cares.

Okay I tried it once just to see if i'd get lucky. Didn't work......Okay I tried it twice it didn't work either time.

If this book sounds interesting to you try the evil puzzels at http://www.websudoku.com/ or you might like to try memorizing Pi at http://www.freewebs.com/howtomemorizepi/


The other book that i'm reading is Watch You Bleed: The Saga of Guns n' Roses. Jen chose not to read this one with me. I liked the book, it gave the back story on some of the band members and lookes at the L.A. Rock scene in the 80's. It covered all the sex, drugs, and in-fighting between the band members. Unless you're a big fan of that time period in music or GnR I wouldn't recommend this book either.

But I would recommend Chinese Democracy. It belongs in your ears.<-please disregard this statement. I've listened to the entire album twice now and it definitely does not belong in your ears. There are maybe three decent songs on the album, but no traces of the bluesy/punk funness from Appetite. The ballads seem like retreads of GnR's previous work only even more produced. Axl's voice still sounds good while the rest of the cd is mostly unbearable.

For my review i give this album a sticky note, tennis ball, and two plates.

Recently I received some frightening news from my doctor. After having 3 surgeries on my foot this year the doctors aren't sure how there are going to fix the latest problems and are starting to talk about amputation. As you can see in the picture of my foot above he is not happy. Understandably he is worried about Left and what he'll do with out him. Right is also worried about all the size seventeen shoes that I won't be able to wear anymore.

I've decided to honor Right by raising money in his name. My goal is $1,000,000. In the right column of my blog I have added a donation button through PayPal. We are well on our way, I've already donated over a dollar. Remember no donation is to small.

My dream is to see Right smile one more time before he's gone. Check back often to see how close we are to our goal.

Also click on the ads on the side of my column as many times as you can. Any advertising money made will go directly in to my foot fund.

Thank you bipeds, it's been fun being a part of your select group for the last 31 years.

Big News

This 31 year old man boy has decided to step up his game. In an attempt to become more adult I've made the decision to start drinking coffee. This life changing decision came to me in the cereal/coffee section of the grocery store. I picked up my Cocoa Crispies, very adult, and was headed to the chicken nuggets when I passed the coffee.

As I passed the colors and smell called to me. I thought to myself, "i have lot's of adult things, a kid, a wife, a house. A cup of coffee in the morning is the one thing keeping me from becoming a real man".

That's when I began to get nervous. There were coffee bags and tins and boxes, each brand had funny sounding flavors and different roasts.

I forgot to mention I was there early Tuesday morning. Any good
grocery shopper knows that this is a bad time to go to the grocery
store because it's senior citizens day.

I started to panic, before I knew it I was surrounded by angry blue hairs that needed there favorite coffee and had no time for novices. I quickly grabbed the cheapest brand and moved on to find my nuggets.

The next day, before Lizzy woke up, I decide to take my next step into the exciting world of adulthood. Jen went to the basement and brought up our coffee machine that I think we've used once since we got married 5? years ago.

After Jen left for work I decide to start brewing my Hills Brothers Morning Roast. I cleaned the years of dust off the pot and coffee maker, read the directions, got a coffee filter and filled it with coffee grounds.

Ten seconds after turning on my coffee maker there was coffee all over my counter. Using my superior investigative skills I discovered that there was a piece of the coffee pot missing. This piece is very important to the brewing process because it limits the flow of the hot water through the filter before going into the pot.

After cleaning up my mess, I headed to the basement to find the missing piece. I searched for a while, found the molded black piece of plastic, and headed back up stairs to continue my quest for manhood.

Back in my kitchen I went back to work filled the filter with coffee grounds and brewed up 4 fresh cups of coffee.

It wasn't until later that I noticed that there were directions on the coffee can. something about one rounded tablespoon per cup.

Any way I found my big blue 32 oz. plastic tumbler (again, very adult), and filled it about 3/4 of the way up with my very strong coffee. I filled the other 1/4 of my cup with some milk and sat down to eat my bagel sandwich.

I had about 15 minutes before Lizzy usually wakes up so I ate my sandwich and downed my 32 ounces of maturity as fast as I could.

Coffee still tastes like crap, but i'm determined to keep drinking it because it gave me a nice feeling...you coffee drinkers know what i'm talking about, that manly feeling were your stomach hurts and you have to poop.

Look Who's Back

Sorry fans I haven’t posted for a while, but I’m back with some fun stories to tell.
Big Matty Matt was back in the hospital after two whole months off.

Jen and I were supposed to go to California for a long weekend for a wedding, but I started feeling a little sick two days before we left. Sick for me is when my temp reaches 99 degrees. So I stay in bed all day Tuesday and Wednesday hoping that we’ll still be able to go. Didn’t happen.

My temp went up to 101.5. Hot dog, that’s my magic number. Now when my temp gets this high I just call my Dr. and tell her I’m heading to the ER.
The University of Chicago ER is an interesting place, an eclectic mix of patients and homeless people meet there every day to stay warm/get better. According to Janet the nice woman who took my information 75% of the people there don’t need to be there. According to her most of them think of the ER as their primary care physician and come in every few months.

I’m officially ER VIP now and have become very good at working the system. First I ask the front desk for a mask which sends up flags to all the nurses at the registration desk. Second, I do my best to look like I’m going to puke. It wasn’t hard this time because the woman I stood next to smelled horrible. Third, (this one I picked up on this visit) have someone with you asking if you need a wheelchair. Fourth, it doesn’t hurt to have a immune deficiency, when they see that in your record they try to get you back quicker.

About ten minutes after entering the ER I was rushed back to a room away from the scaries in the waiting room.

There were none of the regulars in the rooms next to me on this visit. Usually when Jen and I go up there we can expect a variation of at least one of these three common U or C ER patients:

1.Bat S#%t Crazy – usually comes in muttering things like “mama” or just moaning loudly and if we get lucky they are in restraints. The muttering/moaning literally last hours until the patient is discharged or gets a room. The best part of the BSC is the line of questioning the nurses ask them. Examples - where are you? Who’s the current president? What day is it?

2.Smelly Thug – usually an uncared for gunshot wound. This patient smells up the whole ER with a stink that would make a healthy person want to puke, just imagine mixing them in with sick people. It’s the perfect storm of nausea and stink that leads to more nausea and stink. Think pie eating contest in “Stand by Me”……which leads me to three…

3.Vominator – this patient can’t stop vomiting. It’s never fun to be between any of the patients, but if you’re the meat in a smelly thug, vominator sandwich lookout. The last time I was by a vominator the nurse asked him if he’d eaten anything strange and he said, “no, I was just eating pickles, potato chips, and peanut butter”?

So I stayed in my special ER room between no fun low blood pressure and my head hurts until 2:30 A.M. when my private room on the 6th floor was ready. When I got there Dorthy was waiting with her frail fingers and my anal swab.

1st review...Look out for the hotness

I’ve decided to start my movie-reviewing career with Beowulf, a CGI extravaganza with based on the book you read parts of in high school. More importantly it is a Josh Viers vehicle that he is going to ride str8 to the top!!!!!

If you want to know more about the more about the plot or the characters read a different review or talk to a high school student. Either will explain to you about the differences between the book and the movie.

For my first review I will bullet point the highlights and low lights of the film and then rate it in my own special way.

Begin.

Highlights:

1. Any art that Josh did, especially the Dragon Horn thing that Beowulf gets for killing Grendel. This guys is amazing!!! I tried to watch the movie when his art was on screen, but the word genius just kept running through my head.
2. Angelina Jolie. Played Grendel’s mother the Sea-Hag in the movie. Mostly naked and wet, sure she was CGI, but who cares.
3. If Angie was in the film you know Brad Pitt was around somewhere and he likes to ride motorcycles.
4. Beowulf likes to fight monsters mostly naked. Count how many amazing ways they came up with to hide the cartoon hero’s genitals during his fight scenes, it’s mind boggling.
5. Lastly Crispin Glover was in the movie, Willard anyone? The man can act.

Lowlights:

1. Creepy CGI animation, keep trying Robby Z. one of these days you’ll get it, one of these days.
2. The rest of the movie…I’m not sure if it was actually the movie that was painful or if it was watching it at 3:30 in the morning because my prescriptions were keeping me awake, but whatever the reason it was a tough watch.

I think I’ll give this movie one kick to the huevos and one piece of gum stuck to my shoe.

As much fun as I’ve had with this review, I will now return to Haberdashing.

Career Change...

So I mentioned in one of my posts that my doctors told me to quit my job and try to figure out some sort of work I can do from home right? The question is what should I do now?

I’ve decided to give you the power to choose. I’m going to start a new career and I’ve narrowed it down to the choices on the right side of the blog.

Don’t feel bad I’ve thought about it and all of these choices work for me, they are all great opportunities.

Is it bad that as I finish typing this I’m wrapping up my insulin needle in a empty bag of cookies that I just opened about 10 minutes ago.

Please take my money

I’ve decided not working in an office is going to be a good opportunity for me. I’m going to start my own business and work out of my house. I decided the best place to look for help was the Internets.

If you’ve never tried the Internets, get there, I’m telling you it’s a great time.

Anyway I started looking for info about starting a business. It was pretty intense, write a business plan, find a mentor, set this legal stuff up, and do lots of other no fun stuff. After about five minutes I was struggling so I walked through my house looking for Lizzy. When I couldn’t find her I thought “if I were two where would I be”. I ran to the basement, she wasn’t playing my video games. I was confused.

So I get in my car and realize that she’s still in the back seat from earlier in the morning. Lucky for me it wasn’t to hot, Right, Huh? Don’t tell Jen she’ll get mad.

Back to business. I thought who needs a plan? I need supplies. I know someone once said “those who fail to plan, plan to fail”. But let me suggest that “those who fail to buy their supplies, furniture and equipment before they plan, should plan on an empty, uninspiring office that is not conducive to plan in.

I browsed the weekend paper for the best financing and found Office Depot had 12 months of 0% financing for 1 year. I was sold.

I found customer service and spoke to a very uninterested twenty something who offered not information.

Me: what about this no interest for 12 months?
Him: I don’t know
Me: how about a flyer?
Him: here’s an application
Me: Okay, I’ll fill it out after I read 14 pages of crap.
Him: Okay

I got approved and Lizzy and I were off. We tore through the store. She was like a little ninja climbing and throwing things all over. She had to touch and throw everything, it was wonderful.

I spent about 2 hours picking everything that I need to start my “business” in total my merchandise was over $700. I was so excited I headed back up to the same customer service guy because he was the only one I could find.

Me: I think I have every thing
Him: Okay
Me: let me get it out for you so you can scan it
Him: Okay
Beep beep beep beep….
Him: Your purchase doesn’t count towards our no interest financing.
Me: Why? It’s over the $400
Him: Well your desk has to be delivered
Me: Okay deliver it
Him: well that has to be separate
Me: Why
Him: It comes from a different location
Me: So, I’m buying it here, one purchase almost $700
Him: I can’t help it.
Me: The only reason I’m here is for the financing
Him: I’m sorry maybe if……..nope that doesn’t work….I’ll ring the rest up
Me: No I don’t want it with out the financing… can’t you do anything
Him: No
Me: Okay then cancel my card
Him: No you can keep it.
Me: I don’t want it
Him: that’s okay

So I get sad and leave my cart with a mound of merchandise at the customer service desk and go looking for Lizzy. It was easy this time she like highlighters.

We drove home listening to the Wiggles and trying to figure out why the store didn’t want to take my money and obviously wanted to crush my dreams of working from home.

Long story short my dreams are not crushed, lizzy and I went home and ate ice cream. I still have Staples and Best Buy and one day I will have all the supplies, equipment, and furniture that I’ll need to start planning a business.

my new buddy Joe

This morning I woke up and found out that my “friend”, Joe Biden emailed me. He thanked me for the warm welcome that he received as the newest member of some sort of campaign.

My buddy Joe, went on to talk about my incredible accomplishments that I have had over the past 19 months, and gushed about how he was honored to being a “part of it”. I’m not positive which accomplishment he’s talking about so I’m going to try to make a list:

§ In January 2007 we brought Lizzy home with us ( I guess Joe had us in his thoughts)
§ In March, I didn’t get promoted at work, but I did move up from a single to a doublewide cubicle. (I’m not sure which strings my man pulled but they were magic)
§ I won the busy season math races at work just to show of my alpha accounting skills. More importantly I won easily and didn’t show any of my work That’s right, who’s cool? ( I know I couldn’t have accomplished this with out thoughts from Joe)
§ In December of 2007 I was able to find a job much closer to home and spend more time with lizzy ( big plus, way to go Joe)
§ Then I was admitted to the hospital 7 times in the next 7 months for everything from a scab to pneumonia. Sort of accomplishments, it my new all-time record
§ Finally, my doctors told me to quit my job and “try to figure out something that I could do from home”. (I’m not sure how he was “part of it” but I’m thankful.)
§ I can’t forget my biggest accomplishment in the last 19 months….I actually fell down some stairs and pee’d all over myself. I wasn’t drunk when I did this and imagine if by standers caught a peek it looked a little bit like a poor mans version of the Dancing Fountain in front of the Bellagio. (if Joe didn’t have a hand in this one I’d be sad)

Anyway I’ve never met, spoke to, or cared to listen to Joe Biden when he was on tv so I was surprised that he took so much interest in ME!

I’ve included a picture of the future, I’m thinking 19 months from now we will meet in our suits and ties to discuss all of my incredible accomplishments and how much more honored he is to finally meet me.

It’s hard to tell from the picture, but I’m actually telling Joe to take his hand out of my pocket because I don’t keep any accomplishments in there.

IV's, Nurses, Anal Swabs....Oh My!

Well, I’m excited to be back after my long hiatus from the bloging world. Yes, I’ve set my own personal record with 7 stays at the hospital in the first seven months of 2008. Thank you, your applause is unnecessary.

Wednesday started out fairly normal, my tongue hurt a little bit, but not anymore then is has before. I headed up to my appointment and noticed I was having trouble swallowing. This was perfect because that days appointment was a barium swallow to get some x-rays of my esophagus.

By the time I made it to the hospital I my tongue and throat were so swollen that I couldn’t swallow and I could barely speak. When I stepped up to the registration table I had my driver’s license and insurance card out so I didn’t have to say anything. This plan worked great until the lady helping me asked me to pronounce my name.

“wit–wow-see” came out of my mouth with a waterfall of drool.

Noticing I was having some trouble she took me into the back quickly. She asked me to strip down to my shorts and put on a gown. I went into the men’s room, put my clothes in a locker and started to look for a larger gown. I’ve been to this hospital enough to know that a dark seam means larger gown. Anyway, no dark seems today, just mini gowns.

So I’m waiting, no pants, in a mini-gown that isn’t even covering my boxers and I see two very short men each wearing two of the larger gowns. As I sit down in the waiting area I hear a snap and look down. I sat on my key tag and snapped in half. The man next to me seemed nice and tried to joke with me. He said, “Hope your insurance covers that.” Feeling like I had to respond I looked at him, smiled, drooled all over my gown and uttered “uuha”. The nice man looked away quickly.

Long story short I was sent to the emergency room and readmitted into the hospital. After five hours or so on a gurney between “food poisoning” and “head trama” I was transported to TN 672.

Tower North is my home away from home, my little piece of the transplant wing were I go whenever I get admitted. In a strange way it’s like Cheers, the nurses, assistants, and cleaning staff all know me by name and come visit me when I come in. Usually they have a longer bed ordered for me before I get there.

My admittance interview takes a few hours because of the speech problems I’m having.

My nurse for the night is Dorothy, and yes she is very old. She has a beautiful full mustache and very thin shaky hands. Over her top lip she has a beautiful silver and white moustache that she doesn’t shave or bleach, but does maintain with some sort of comb.

Dorothy is the type of nurse who’s been doing her job so long that peaked in her 40’s and decided that her skills don’t need anymore updating. She quickly updated me that even though I missed “Anal Swab Tuesday”, Newcomers to TN 6 need to get swabbed anyway. So at a little after 3 am in the morning, thin fingered, shaky handed, silver lip sweater’d Dorothy gave me an anal swab.

Luckily for me Dorothy works strange shifts so she didn’t stay to start my IV. Nothing’s worse then an extremely old shaky nurse trying to start a IV in the dark and 3 am.

Felix, my gay Asian IV superhero stepped in to save the day. Felix takes good care of me, but he is always a bit off. He has similar odd facial hair problems. On the lower right side of his neck is a large mole, nice and brown. He has 5 very long hairs that stick out in many directions and are hard not to stare at.

To top my stay at the hospital off when I ordered my meal in the morning the voice on the other side of the phone recognized my name and asked if I wanted my usual. After two days I started feeling a little better and my insurance company decided I didn’t need any more care.

I left the hospital with a swollen tongue, drooling, and not able to eat.

God is that you?

For the last few years I’ve found myself looking for answers, trying to fill what felt like a large hole in my soul. Tonight all the missing pieces came together for me, tonight we got to see the Doodle Bops.

We got to the fair grounds at 3:45 for the 4:00 show time. The line was extremely long and growing. We stepped into out place between sweaty, cigarette smoking, sleeveless t-shirt wearing, tattoo having guy and another sweaty, no cigarette, sleeveless t-shirt wearing, tattoo having guy. Just as we settled into out place an announcement came over the PA systems saying the start was going to be delayed until 5:00.

Questions started filling my head. Did the pink one get to drunk and they were waiting for her to sober up? Was the drummer laying backstage with vomit all over his orange wig because he just shot up a big spoonful? Or maybe the blue guy was taking his time snorting some coke and getting some groupies. I’ll never know the answers to these questions, but that just adds to the legend that is the Doodle Bops.

For the next hour my anticipation and excitement grew and finally it was time for the show. We took are seats between two more tattooed sleeveless men and looked out over a sea of what seemed like a million kids.

That’s when it happened; I heard the first few notes of “Queen for a Day” and immediately grabbed my lighter. I couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. A few minutes later they ripped in to a vicious rendition of “Lets Get Loud”. It felt like someone grabbed me by the neck and punched me in the face. I didn’t know the lyric at first put picked them up quickly. Before long I had my horns high and found myself singing along in my best heavy metal growl.

The experience was draining. The emotions poured out of me from the begin of the show until fifteen minutes later when Lizzy got bored and we left to go see bunny (or hops as she calls them). As tired as I was I couldn’t help feeling complete again. I thought this blog was life changing…that was before I got to see the Doodle Bops.

a look inside

Good Evening Ladies and Gentleman,

Tonight Jen and I went to the Porter County Fair. There were a lot of high school kids walking around. In one particullar group, one of the guys was wearing a tee shirt that had this saying on it:

“Pain is temporary – Winning is forever”

Probably made up for whichever sports team he was on during the previous school year. The guy next to him was wearing a Guns and Roses shirt. For a second I thought, I wish I had a shirt that said:

“Pain is temporary – Axl Rose is forever”

That thought quickly passed as I realized nothing lasts forever, not even cold November rain.

And there’s your look inside

I like to ride my bicycle

I don’t own a bicycle, but the other day I found myself wanting to go for a ride. Luckily for me my friend Josh recently rode his mom's bike over to my house and left it in my garage. Just to give you an idea of what the bike looks like, it’s purple, it has a bell, and it’s about a foot to small for me.

Not worried about how I looked, I headed out to ride one of Valpo’s beautiful bike trails. After a few minutes I found myself behind an older lady on her bike.

This lady was a little larger and she was wearing a way to tight pair of shorts. I don’t think the pants were designed to be tight they were more of a victim of their circumstances. To make my view even better there was a little bit of coin slot showing between her shirt and her to tight shorts.

I’ve heard rappers refer to girls making their ass talk or clap, but her ass was making more of a chewing motion. The movement became hypnotic. My gaze locked in on her large bottom as it moved up and down.

Queen’s song “Bicycle” started running through my head. Then I started thinking about how cool it is that “Bicycle” actually referenced “Fat Bottom Girls”, another great Queen song.

Before the thought left my brain I felt my front tire catch the side of the bike path. I began to loose control, as I reached for a better grip on the handlebars I actually pushed on the bell and made it ring. So, as I’m loosing control and falling of my bike the bell is ringing a bringing more attention to me.

I’m not sure, but it felt like my balls hit the ground first because a wave of horrible pain shot through my body. Before, I knew it the bike seat on my tiny purple bike made the second piece of bread in my ball sandwich.

As I lay in the grass between Campbell and the bike path I watched the lady with the tight shorts and ass crack as she rode off into the distance. I lay there not able to talk or breathe. After a few seconds a Good Samaritan walked up and asked if I was okay. I said “yes” and continued to lay there in the sun until the pain in my stomach lessened to the point I was able to walk.

I walked the rest of the way home with my little purple bike and laid down as soon as I got there.

Grandpa Monkey Poop

My Grandfather was a funny guy; he used to tell us stories about when he was growing up in Pennsylvania. Here is one of my favorites.

He was in his early 20's and had just come back from a tour in WWII. His buddies and him decided to go out to a bar one afternoon and have some drinks. When they got to the bar there was a man out front with an orangutan. The man was offering people a chance to fight the animal for a couple of dollars. If they won they received some sort of cash prized.

I've never been to a fight were a man fights a monkey so I'm not sure how the winner is determined.

Anyway, the way my Grandpas told the story was the group he was with drank for a couple of hours and got nice and drunk. During that time, he tried to convince one of his friends that he had a strategy to beat any primate in a fight. He told the this poor guy that all he had to do was get in front of the monkey and punch it in the stomach as hard as he could. According to my grandpa this would stun the monkey and then the person fighting could put it some kind of wrestling hold to subdue it.

According to my grandpa, they finished drinking and his friend decided he would fight the monkey if my grandpa paid. Here's were it gets good. My grandpa's friend paid to take his turn with the monkey at the same time my grandpa continued to go over the game plan with him. The guy steps up to the monkey, with my grandpa cheering him on from the side, he cocks back and punches the monkey in the gut as hard as he can.

The monkey wasn't so much dazed as he was confused. With a puzzled look on its face he looks at my grandpa's friend and takes a huge shit. As soon as he's done he picks it up and throws it on the guy. Now the guy is confused and the monkey grabs him and starts rubbing him in what's left of the pile of poop.

After throwing the man around for a few minutes the monkey trainer stops the fight. The man walks a way covered in monkey crap with no prize.

I always believed this story because my grandfather was a salesman and could convince people to do anything. A couple years after my grandfather died I was talking to my Uncle Art and asked him if he was there when the guy got beat up by the monkey... His response was, "yeah, that monkey really beat the shit out of your Grandfather"

My grandfather also told me that if anyone ever broke into my house I should always grab two knives. This way if i stab at the robber and he is able to grab one of my hands with a knife in it, I could still stick the other knife in the robbers neck to kill him. He told me this when I was five.

I hate boss

I started a new job last December moving from a very large and streamlined firm to a smaller not so streamlined firm. Over time I'd become disappointed and frustrated with the projects I have been working on. The lack of communication and organization throughout the office made me feel like the work I was producing wasn't the best it could be.

Trying to be proactive, I set up a meeting with one of my bosses. In my mind I thought I would meet with him, explain my situation, tell him how he could improve communication in the office, and organize his projects better. After showing him how to better run his business he was surely going to promote me and give me a huge raise.

The day finally came and I was ready to meet with him. I downed two of my cube-mate's Red Bulls in an atempt to get fired up for my shinning moment of glory.

Here's what transpired:

Boss: "Come on in"
Me: "Okay"

…sitting down in one of his big comfy office chairs I was ready to break in to my career changing office improving monologue…

Me: "I feel li…"
Boss: "I have about 5 Minutes before I have to leave"
Me : "Oka.."
Boss: "I don't think you've been living up to our expectations."

…I start to sweat..

Me: "Well I .."
Boss: "Maybe it's because of all the time you spent in the hospital, any way you
don't have to worry about being fired yet."
Me: "Fired?"
Boss: "Everyone has received a bonus this year except you"
Me: "Bonus?"
Boss: "You should try harder"
Me: "okay" ( now slouching in my chair trying to disappear)
Boss: "I can relate to you because I have a son with special needs"
Me: "really?"
Boss: "Good talk, I have to get going, any questions?"
Me: "yes…"
Boss: "No? Good. Here's a book about being a better worker, why don't you read
it. let me know when you want to talk again."

FIN……………

Wow, what an insperation, I can't wait to "try harder". Being compared to someone with special needs filled me with a confidence that I've never had before.

Dancetastic

The other day I was watching TV when a commercial for Jell-O pudding came on. When the woman on TV tasted the pudding she smiled like it was the best thing that ever happened to her and then she started to dance. As she danced on my television set her pudding-eating friends started to dance with her. They all seemed to have a moment were they thought “holy shit this pudding is so delicious that I need to dance.” It looked like a lot of fun.

Anyway, I went to my fridge and found a chocolate pudding cup and couldn’t wait to eat it. I took a big spoonful and put it in my mouth. It didn't make me want to dance.

I don’t really like pudding so I threw the rest away and went back to my seat.

dirty turtles

Hello boys and girls, I hope you are all having great days.

Recently I've realized how much I like it when people qualify something stupid that they are about to by beginning the statement with "I'm not ______, but".

For example I recently found myself listening to a conversation that two acquaintances were having. The reason I was being nosey? The conversation started like this:

(key words have been changed in an attempt not to offend any specific race, ethnicity, gender, or culture)

Acquaintance #1: "I'm not racist, but I've noticed there are a lot more dirty Turtles in this area. In hometown, we had a lot of Turtles, but not as many dirty Turtles."

Acquaintance #2: "I'm not racist either, but you're right. The other day at the mall 3 dirty Turtles made me very uncomfortable. I was walking to a store and they didn't move out of my way. I wasn't sure what to do."

Acquaintance #1: "Yeah, dirty Turtles make me uncomfortable to. You can always tell dirty turtles from clean turtles.

Me: "You two know that my wife is half Turtle, right? Her dad's side of the family is from Turtleville."

Acquaintance #1: "I'm sure there clean Turtles right? So that's okay."

Acquaintance #2: "Yeah, clean Turtles are okay."

Me: "Um, I don't know how to respond to that."

They then began talking about politics so I had to leave.

Dan

Jen and I went to a wedding over the weekend. When we got to our table I was excited to see that we were sitting with people I'd never met before. One of the people that I did know told me that the person sitting by me was also an accountant. As I anticipated his arrival, my excitement grew. I couldn't wait to talk to him about spreadsheets, ten keys, and mechanical pencils.

And then it happened, a flash of light from photographer's camera, the reflection off of a balding head. It was him. It had to be. He was wearing brown dress pants, a yellow short sleeve dress shirt, and a moustache.

As he got closer to our table the butterflies in my stomach were going nuts. His presence was so overwhelming that I threw up a little bit in my mouth.


The hall we were in was very loud and here is the conversation that took place:

Soft Speaking Magical Accountant Guy: "Hi, (the rest of his sentence was drowned out by band noise)"

Me: "Hi, My name is Matt"

Magical Accounting Guy: "Dan?"

Me: "nice to meet you, Dan"

Magical Accounting Guy: "nice to meet you to, Dan"

And then the moment passed.

The only other time I spoke to him was during dinner when he said: "hey Dan, could you pass me a roll?". My response, "sure Dan."


This post has been brought to you by the letter S, The Number 4, and Brad's Balls

Road Rage

Story 1:

Just like most mornings I woke up late and didn’t really feel like going to work. Everything was going okay until I started making my breakfast and burned my bagel. I couldn’t find any ham so I ended up with a chicken and cheese breakfast sandwich. Still not a bad day.

So, I’m driving to work eating my burnt chicken and cheese bagel and I pull in to the passing lane to go around a semi. I look in my rearview and see a black Mercedes quickly pulling up behind me. Behind the wheel is a obnoxious woman screaming into her telephone. She looked a bit like a chicken with all the flapping and head bobbing and squawking going on in her car.

I speed up to try to get around the truck faster, check my mirror again and now see chicken head lady with her way to big sunglasses right behind me screaming. I speed up…I get enough room between my car and the truck and start to pull over to let her pass.

As I take a bite of my sandwich and try to forget about chicken head I look behind me and see her swerving into the right lane to pass me, still screaming at me, and the quickly swerve back into the left lane.

At this point I’m starting to feel all the anger boiling up in me…I start thinking about how bad my burnt bagel with chicken actually tastes, how not fun work is going to be, and about how Ice Cube was right when he said tv news coverage doesn’t care about what’s going on in the hood.

Before I knew it I realized my head and shoulders were completely outside the driver side window…my left middle finger was two feet away from chicken heads car and I was screaming, “I HOPE YOU DIE YOU F@*KING C#%T!!!”…(sorry ladies, but yes I dropped the C-word and I’m not proud of it). as I gathered myself and pulled my head and arm back into the car I thought about how disappointed Jesus, Oprah and even my grandmother would be.

After a few minutes I realized I didn’t care…it was a release. The best part is my work day turned out to be cakes and rainbows and pussy cats.

So I guess the moral of this story is that Chicken heads with big glasses are part of life and life is beautiful.