Look Who's Back

Sorry fans I haven’t posted for a while, but I’m back with some fun stories to tell.
Big Matty Matt was back in the hospital after two whole months off.

Jen and I were supposed to go to California for a long weekend for a wedding, but I started feeling a little sick two days before we left. Sick for me is when my temp reaches 99 degrees. So I stay in bed all day Tuesday and Wednesday hoping that we’ll still be able to go. Didn’t happen.

My temp went up to 101.5. Hot dog, that’s my magic number. Now when my temp gets this high I just call my Dr. and tell her I’m heading to the ER.
The University of Chicago ER is an interesting place, an eclectic mix of patients and homeless people meet there every day to stay warm/get better. According to Janet the nice woman who took my information 75% of the people there don’t need to be there. According to her most of them think of the ER as their primary care physician and come in every few months.

I’m officially ER VIP now and have become very good at working the system. First I ask the front desk for a mask which sends up flags to all the nurses at the registration desk. Second, I do my best to look like I’m going to puke. It wasn’t hard this time because the woman I stood next to smelled horrible. Third, (this one I picked up on this visit) have someone with you asking if you need a wheelchair. Fourth, it doesn’t hurt to have a immune deficiency, when they see that in your record they try to get you back quicker.

About ten minutes after entering the ER I was rushed back to a room away from the scaries in the waiting room.

There were none of the regulars in the rooms next to me on this visit. Usually when Jen and I go up there we can expect a variation of at least one of these three common U or C ER patients:

1.Bat S#%t Crazy – usually comes in muttering things like “mama” or just moaning loudly and if we get lucky they are in restraints. The muttering/moaning literally last hours until the patient is discharged or gets a room. The best part of the BSC is the line of questioning the nurses ask them. Examples - where are you? Who’s the current president? What day is it?

2.Smelly Thug – usually an uncared for gunshot wound. This patient smells up the whole ER with a stink that would make a healthy person want to puke, just imagine mixing them in with sick people. It’s the perfect storm of nausea and stink that leads to more nausea and stink. Think pie eating contest in “Stand by Me”……which leads me to three…

3.Vominator – this patient can’t stop vomiting. It’s never fun to be between any of the patients, but if you’re the meat in a smelly thug, vominator sandwich lookout. The last time I was by a vominator the nurse asked him if he’d eaten anything strange and he said, “no, I was just eating pickles, potato chips, and peanut butter”?

So I stayed in my special ER room between no fun low blood pressure and my head hurts until 2:30 A.M. when my private room on the 6th floor was ready. When I got there Dorthy was waiting with her frail fingers and my anal swab.