Grandpa Monkey Poop

My Grandfather was a funny guy; he used to tell us stories about when he was growing up in Pennsylvania. Here is one of my favorites.

He was in his early 20's and had just come back from a tour in WWII. His buddies and him decided to go out to a bar one afternoon and have some drinks. When they got to the bar there was a man out front with an orangutan. The man was offering people a chance to fight the animal for a couple of dollars. If they won they received some sort of cash prized.

I've never been to a fight were a man fights a monkey so I'm not sure how the winner is determined.

Anyway, the way my Grandpas told the story was the group he was with drank for a couple of hours and got nice and drunk. During that time, he tried to convince one of his friends that he had a strategy to beat any primate in a fight. He told the this poor guy that all he had to do was get in front of the monkey and punch it in the stomach as hard as he could. According to my grandpa this would stun the monkey and then the person fighting could put it some kind of wrestling hold to subdue it.

According to my grandpa, they finished drinking and his friend decided he would fight the monkey if my grandpa paid. Here's were it gets good. My grandpa's friend paid to take his turn with the monkey at the same time my grandpa continued to go over the game plan with him. The guy steps up to the monkey, with my grandpa cheering him on from the side, he cocks back and punches the monkey in the gut as hard as he can.

The monkey wasn't so much dazed as he was confused. With a puzzled look on its face he looks at my grandpa's friend and takes a huge shit. As soon as he's done he picks it up and throws it on the guy. Now the guy is confused and the monkey grabs him and starts rubbing him in what's left of the pile of poop.

After throwing the man around for a few minutes the monkey trainer stops the fight. The man walks a way covered in monkey crap with no prize.

I always believed this story because my grandfather was a salesman and could convince people to do anything. A couple years after my grandfather died I was talking to my Uncle Art and asked him if he was there when the guy got beat up by the monkey... His response was, "yeah, that monkey really beat the shit out of your Grandfather"

My grandfather also told me that if anyone ever broke into my house I should always grab two knives. This way if i stab at the robber and he is able to grab one of my hands with a knife in it, I could still stick the other knife in the robbers neck to kill him. He told me this when I was five.