Recently I received some frightening news from my doctor. After having 3 surgeries on my foot this year the doctors aren't sure how there are going to fix the latest problems and are starting to talk about amputation. As you can see in the picture of my foot above he is not happy. Understandably he is worried about Left and what he'll do with out him. Right is also worried about all the size seventeen shoes that I won't be able to wear anymore.

I've decided to honor Right by raising money in his name. My goal is $1,000,000. In the right column of my blog I have added a donation button through PayPal. We are well on our way, I've already donated over a dollar. Remember no donation is to small.

My dream is to see Right smile one more time before he's gone. Check back often to see how close we are to our goal.

Also click on the ads on the side of my column as many times as you can. Any advertising money made will go directly in to my foot fund.

Thank you bipeds, it's been fun being a part of your select group for the last 31 years.

Big News

This 31 year old man boy has decided to step up his game. In an attempt to become more adult I've made the decision to start drinking coffee. This life changing decision came to me in the cereal/coffee section of the grocery store. I picked up my Cocoa Crispies, very adult, and was headed to the chicken nuggets when I passed the coffee.

As I passed the colors and smell called to me. I thought to myself, "i have lot's of adult things, a kid, a wife, a house. A cup of coffee in the morning is the one thing keeping me from becoming a real man".

That's when I began to get nervous. There were coffee bags and tins and boxes, each brand had funny sounding flavors and different roasts.

I forgot to mention I was there early Tuesday morning. Any good
grocery shopper knows that this is a bad time to go to the grocery
store because it's senior citizens day.

I started to panic, before I knew it I was surrounded by angry blue hairs that needed there favorite coffee and had no time for novices. I quickly grabbed the cheapest brand and moved on to find my nuggets.

The next day, before Lizzy woke up, I decide to take my next step into the exciting world of adulthood. Jen went to the basement and brought up our coffee machine that I think we've used once since we got married 5? years ago.

After Jen left for work I decide to start brewing my Hills Brothers Morning Roast. I cleaned the years of dust off the pot and coffee maker, read the directions, got a coffee filter and filled it with coffee grounds.

Ten seconds after turning on my coffee maker there was coffee all over my counter. Using my superior investigative skills I discovered that there was a piece of the coffee pot missing. This piece is very important to the brewing process because it limits the flow of the hot water through the filter before going into the pot.

After cleaning up my mess, I headed to the basement to find the missing piece. I searched for a while, found the molded black piece of plastic, and headed back up stairs to continue my quest for manhood.

Back in my kitchen I went back to work filled the filter with coffee grounds and brewed up 4 fresh cups of coffee.

It wasn't until later that I noticed that there were directions on the coffee can. something about one rounded tablespoon per cup.

Any way I found my big blue 32 oz. plastic tumbler (again, very adult), and filled it about 3/4 of the way up with my very strong coffee. I filled the other 1/4 of my cup with some milk and sat down to eat my bagel sandwich.

I had about 15 minutes before Lizzy usually wakes up so I ate my sandwich and downed my 32 ounces of maturity as fast as I could.

Coffee still tastes like crap, but i'm determined to keep drinking it because it gave me a nice feeling...you coffee drinkers know what i'm talking about, that manly feeling were your stomach hurts and you have to poop.

Look Who's Back

Sorry fans I haven’t posted for a while, but I’m back with some fun stories to tell.
Big Matty Matt was back in the hospital after two whole months off.

Jen and I were supposed to go to California for a long weekend for a wedding, but I started feeling a little sick two days before we left. Sick for me is when my temp reaches 99 degrees. So I stay in bed all day Tuesday and Wednesday hoping that we’ll still be able to go. Didn’t happen.

My temp went up to 101.5. Hot dog, that’s my magic number. Now when my temp gets this high I just call my Dr. and tell her I’m heading to the ER.
The University of Chicago ER is an interesting place, an eclectic mix of patients and homeless people meet there every day to stay warm/get better. According to Janet the nice woman who took my information 75% of the people there don’t need to be there. According to her most of them think of the ER as their primary care physician and come in every few months.

I’m officially ER VIP now and have become very good at working the system. First I ask the front desk for a mask which sends up flags to all the nurses at the registration desk. Second, I do my best to look like I’m going to puke. It wasn’t hard this time because the woman I stood next to smelled horrible. Third, (this one I picked up on this visit) have someone with you asking if you need a wheelchair. Fourth, it doesn’t hurt to have a immune deficiency, when they see that in your record they try to get you back quicker.

About ten minutes after entering the ER I was rushed back to a room away from the scaries in the waiting room.

There were none of the regulars in the rooms next to me on this visit. Usually when Jen and I go up there we can expect a variation of at least one of these three common U or C ER patients:

1.Bat S#%t Crazy – usually comes in muttering things like “mama” or just moaning loudly and if we get lucky they are in restraints. The muttering/moaning literally last hours until the patient is discharged or gets a room. The best part of the BSC is the line of questioning the nurses ask them. Examples - where are you? Who’s the current president? What day is it?

2.Smelly Thug – usually an uncared for gunshot wound. This patient smells up the whole ER with a stink that would make a healthy person want to puke, just imagine mixing them in with sick people. It’s the perfect storm of nausea and stink that leads to more nausea and stink. Think pie eating contest in “Stand by Me”……which leads me to three…

3.Vominator – this patient can’t stop vomiting. It’s never fun to be between any of the patients, but if you’re the meat in a smelly thug, vominator sandwich lookout. The last time I was by a vominator the nurse asked him if he’d eaten anything strange and he said, “no, I was just eating pickles, potato chips, and peanut butter”?

So I stayed in my special ER room between no fun low blood pressure and my head hurts until 2:30 A.M. when my private room on the 6th floor was ready. When I got there Dorthy was waiting with her frail fingers and my anal swab.

1st review...Look out for the hotness

I’ve decided to start my movie-reviewing career with Beowulf, a CGI extravaganza with based on the book you read parts of in high school. More importantly it is a Josh Viers vehicle that he is going to ride str8 to the top!!!!!

If you want to know more about the more about the plot or the characters read a different review or talk to a high school student. Either will explain to you about the differences between the book and the movie.

For my first review I will bullet point the highlights and low lights of the film and then rate it in my own special way.

Begin.

Highlights:

1. Any art that Josh did, especially the Dragon Horn thing that Beowulf gets for killing Grendel. This guys is amazing!!! I tried to watch the movie when his art was on screen, but the word genius just kept running through my head.
2. Angelina Jolie. Played Grendel’s mother the Sea-Hag in the movie. Mostly naked and wet, sure she was CGI, but who cares.
3. If Angie was in the film you know Brad Pitt was around somewhere and he likes to ride motorcycles.
4. Beowulf likes to fight monsters mostly naked. Count how many amazing ways they came up with to hide the cartoon hero’s genitals during his fight scenes, it’s mind boggling.
5. Lastly Crispin Glover was in the movie, Willard anyone? The man can act.

Lowlights:

1. Creepy CGI animation, keep trying Robby Z. one of these days you’ll get it, one of these days.
2. The rest of the movie…I’m not sure if it was actually the movie that was painful or if it was watching it at 3:30 in the morning because my prescriptions were keeping me awake, but whatever the reason it was a tough watch.

I think I’ll give this movie one kick to the huevos and one piece of gum stuck to my shoe.

As much fun as I’ve had with this review, I will now return to Haberdashing.

Career Change...

So I mentioned in one of my posts that my doctors told me to quit my job and try to figure out some sort of work I can do from home right? The question is what should I do now?

I’ve decided to give you the power to choose. I’m going to start a new career and I’ve narrowed it down to the choices on the right side of the blog.

Don’t feel bad I’ve thought about it and all of these choices work for me, they are all great opportunities.

Is it bad that as I finish typing this I’m wrapping up my insulin needle in a empty bag of cookies that I just opened about 10 minutes ago.

Please take my money

I’ve decided not working in an office is going to be a good opportunity for me. I’m going to start my own business and work out of my house. I decided the best place to look for help was the Internets.

If you’ve never tried the Internets, get there, I’m telling you it’s a great time.

Anyway I started looking for info about starting a business. It was pretty intense, write a business plan, find a mentor, set this legal stuff up, and do lots of other no fun stuff. After about five minutes I was struggling so I walked through my house looking for Lizzy. When I couldn’t find her I thought “if I were two where would I be”. I ran to the basement, she wasn’t playing my video games. I was confused.

So I get in my car and realize that she’s still in the back seat from earlier in the morning. Lucky for me it wasn’t to hot, Right, Huh? Don’t tell Jen she’ll get mad.

Back to business. I thought who needs a plan? I need supplies. I know someone once said “those who fail to plan, plan to fail”. But let me suggest that “those who fail to buy their supplies, furniture and equipment before they plan, should plan on an empty, uninspiring office that is not conducive to plan in.

I browsed the weekend paper for the best financing and found Office Depot had 12 months of 0% financing for 1 year. I was sold.

I found customer service and spoke to a very uninterested twenty something who offered not information.

Me: what about this no interest for 12 months?
Him: I don’t know
Me: how about a flyer?
Him: here’s an application
Me: Okay, I’ll fill it out after I read 14 pages of crap.
Him: Okay

I got approved and Lizzy and I were off. We tore through the store. She was like a little ninja climbing and throwing things all over. She had to touch and throw everything, it was wonderful.

I spent about 2 hours picking everything that I need to start my “business” in total my merchandise was over $700. I was so excited I headed back up to the same customer service guy because he was the only one I could find.

Me: I think I have every thing
Him: Okay
Me: let me get it out for you so you can scan it
Him: Okay
Beep beep beep beep….
Him: Your purchase doesn’t count towards our no interest financing.
Me: Why? It’s over the $400
Him: Well your desk has to be delivered
Me: Okay deliver it
Him: well that has to be separate
Me: Why
Him: It comes from a different location
Me: So, I’m buying it here, one purchase almost $700
Him: I can’t help it.
Me: The only reason I’m here is for the financing
Him: I’m sorry maybe if……..nope that doesn’t work….I’ll ring the rest up
Me: No I don’t want it with out the financing… can’t you do anything
Him: No
Me: Okay then cancel my card
Him: No you can keep it.
Me: I don’t want it
Him: that’s okay

So I get sad and leave my cart with a mound of merchandise at the customer service desk and go looking for Lizzy. It was easy this time she like highlighters.

We drove home listening to the Wiggles and trying to figure out why the store didn’t want to take my money and obviously wanted to crush my dreams of working from home.

Long story short my dreams are not crushed, lizzy and I went home and ate ice cream. I still have Staples and Best Buy and one day I will have all the supplies, equipment, and furniture that I’ll need to start planning a business.